WA 3 draft 3

Clenched fists
furry in mind
arms, legs, everything:
shaking.
Eyes red
veins bulging
hatred eating me from the inside out.
Strong desire to eliminate this problem.
Wanting to.
Having to.
Needing to.

Imagination running wild,
trying to control myself,
barley succeeding.

Struggling to get a grip,
knowing I need to.
Trying to find the strength.

1
2
3
4
5

Deep Breath.
Consequences...
Breathing, Actually Breathing.
Smelling the sweet tranquil smell of life.
Relaxation.

Peace.
It's what I need.
It's what we all need.

Peace.

WA 3 draft 2

clenched fists
furry in mind
arms, legs, everything:
shaking.
eyes red,
veins bulging,
hatred eating me from the inside out.
strong desire
to eliminate this problem.
Wanting to.
Having to.
Needing to.
Imagunation running wild,
trying to controol myself,
barley succeding.

Trying to get a grip,
knowing I need to.
Trying to find the strength.

1
2
3
4
5
Deep Breath.
Consequences...
Breathing, Actually Breathing.
Smelling the sweet relaxing smell of life.
Relaxation.

Peace.
It's what I need.
It's what we all need.

Peace.

WA 3 draft1

I thought I knew you

But I guess I was wrong

I thought you knew how I was feeling

But I guess I was wrong

I thought you were nicer, and had a heart

But I guess I was wrong

You changed ever since she came into your life, I thought it wouldn’t last

But I guess I was wrong

You once said not to get to close…


So I guess you were right

WA 2 draft 3

It’s actually snowing, I think to myself. In that second I glance back at the door as I anxiously wait for the principal’s announcement. Will he tell us that school will dismiss early due to inclement weather? It’s the first snow fall of the season. As I look out the few windows that our school has, I see that the whole world is white. I can’t even see the grass anymore; a cold, soft, frozen blanket is cuddling close to the earth. Little round balls of clumped snow hang off the tree branches like small white flowers. The sky is grey and seems unusually close to frozen dirt. The wind is howling in an overly exaggerated whisper. I check the door again, willing it to open so I can run out and make a snow angel like I used to when I was little. Where was the damn announcement all ready?

I look about the room and see all of my eager class mates as anxious as I am. I start rocking from side to side, letting the wobbly chair come with me. I tap my fingers on my desk and shake my feet nervously. As I let my mind wander, I start to wonder how I’m going to get home. Usually I walk home, but there was no way I could make it up that huge hill today. I start mentally noting which one of my older friends will be willing to drive me home in these conditions. My worries must have shown on my face, because all of a sudden I hear, “Carrrrroline, you okay?” the kid sitting next to me says. “Yeah I’m fine.” I say. I didn’t really want to talk; I just want to get the hell out of this classroom. The week seemed unbearably long, and I was ready for a break. I try to remember what the weather man said on the morning news. If the snow continued through the night we wouldn’t have school tomorrow either, then the weekend could start. A four day weekend is exactly what I needed right now. I had test after test, quiz after quiz, and a boat load of homework this week, I just wanted to be done. The sound of the howling wind pulls me out of my stress filled thoughts. At the same moment the lights from the ceiling flicker and I hear the class as a whole go oooooooh. I take my eraser cap off my pencil and roll it between my fingers just for something to do. Surprisingly, the cool softness on my fingertips sooths me a little. When I accidentally drop the eraser, I drop my patience with it…great. Every second was an hour. Suddenly I see my friend across the room smiling at me comfortingly, some how saying; It’s okay, only a little while longer…RELAX. She knew how stressed I was this week, with all of my school work, and other obligations. Suddenly I felt guilty for making this moment much more stressful than it actually was. I smile back. Then breathe. Even though the past few minutes have felt like filling a balloon with so much air that it could pop any minute, this moment was kind of cool. I try to embrace the idea that I was in a classroom with way to many kids, and the sky practically black out side the window. The teacher gave up long ago on trying to make us pay attention or her lesson plan. I have friends all around me, chattering to each other, sounding like a dull roar that was growing in anticipation. I laugh as I see a kid a few rows ahead of me almost fall out of his seat because he was bouncing up and down on his unstable desk chair. This was okay. I was okay.

The lights flicker again, only this time I don’t silently scream at the other kids’ reaction, instead I giggle. As I meet the same friend’s gaze who gave me my relaxing, and reassuring smile, she points to my bulging pocket with her eyes. I pull out my cell phone and see that she sent me a text message. I don’t even bother to scan the room to see if my teacher is watching me, she gave up the rules and regulations of the classroom when she stopped teaching. I look at the little screen to see what she wrote; u wnt 2 cum 2 my house? Cocoa & movies mrathon? I smile to myself, thankful that she knows me so well. Suddenly I hear a loud, over powering voice coming from no where. It’s the principal, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. I can literally feel the stress and anxiety from this past week fall from my chest. Before I get all of my belongings, the usually packed classroom already only had a few lingering students. I look out the window one more time and see the beginnings of a snow ball fight. It makes me laugh. It didn’t take much for a bunch of teenagers to remember what is was like to be kids with no worries in the world. I pull my eyes away from dozens of students laughing and having a ball, to shift them on my awaiting friend. I had hot cocoa, plenty of movies, and a great friend waiting for me after all. As we walk out of the same door that was my barricade a few minutes earlier, I feel completely at ease. I was free.

WA 2 draft 2

I glance back at the door as I anxiously wait for the principal to tell all of us students simultaneously that school will dismiss early due to inclement weather. It’s the first snow fall of the season, and as I look out the few windows that our school has, I see that every thing is white. I can’t even see the grass anymore, a cold soft frozen blanket is cuddling close to the earth, and little round balls of clumped snow hangs off the tree branches like small white flowers. The sky is grey and seems unusually close to frozen dirt, and the wind is howling like an overly exaggerated whisper. I check the door again, willing it to open so I can run out and make a snow angel like I used to when I was little. Where was the damn announcement all ready? I look about the room and see all of my eager class mates as anxious as I am. I start rocking from side to side, letting the wobbly chair come with me; I tap my fingers on my desk and shake my feet nervously. As I let my mind wander, I start to wonder how I’m going to get home, usually I walk home, but there was no way I could make it up that huge hill today, and I start mentally noting which one of my older friends will be willing to drive me home in these conditions. My worries must have shown on my face, because all of a sudden I hear, “Carrrrroline, you okay?” the kid sitting next to me says. “Yeah I’m fine.” I say, I didn’t really want to talk; I just want to get the hell out of this classroom. The week seemed unbearably long, and I was ready for a break. I try to remember what the weather man said on the morning news; I really wanted the snow to continue through the night so we wouldn’t have school tomorrow either, and then the weekend could start. A four day weekend is exactly what I needed right now. I had test after test, quiz after quiz, and a boat load of homework this week, I just wanted to be done. The sound of the howling wind pulls me out of my stress filled thoughts, and at the same moment the lights from the ceiling flicker and I hear the class as a whole go oooooooh. I take my eraser cap off my pencil and roll it between my fingers just for something to do, and surprisingly, the cool softness on my fingertips sooth me a little. When I accidentally drop the eraser, I drop my patience with it…great. Every second was an hour. Suddenly I see my friend across the room smiling at me comfortingly, some how saying; It’s okay, only a little while longer…RELAX. She knew how stressed I was this week, with all of my school work, and other obligations, and I suddenly felt guilty for making this moment much more stressful than it actually was. I smile back. Then breathe. Even though the past few minutes have been like watching the numbers on the little LCD screen at the gas station go up and up, this moment was kind of cool. I try to embrace the idea that I was in a classroom with way to many kids, and the sky practically black out side the window. The teacher gave up long ago on trying to make us pay attention or her lesson plan, and I have friends all around me, all chatting to each other, sounding like a dull roar that was growing in anticipation. I laugh as I see a kid a few rows ahead of me almost fall out of his seat because he was bouncing up and down on his unstable desk chair. This was okay. I was okay. The lights flicker again, only this time I don’t silently scream at the other kids’ reaction, instead I giggle. As I meet the same friend’s gaze who gave me my relaxing, and reassuring smile, she points to my bulging pocket with her eyes; I pull out my cell phone and see that she sent me a text message. I don’t even bother to scan the room to see if my teacher is watching me, I think she gave up the rules and regulations of the classroom when she stopped teaching. I look at the little screen to see what she wrote; u wnt 2 cum 2 my house? Cocoa & movies mrathon? I smile to myself, thankful that she knows me so well. Suddenly I hear a loud, over powering voice coming from no where; it’s the principal, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. I can literally feel the stress and anxiety from this past week fall from my chest. Before I get all of my belongings, the usually packed classroom already only had a few lingering students. I look out the window one more time and see the beginnings of a snow ball fight, it makes me laugh. It didn’t take much for a bunch of teenagers to remember what is was like to be kids with worries in the world. I pull my eyes away from dozens of students laughing and having a ball, to shift them on my awaiting friend. I had hot cocoa, plentiful amount of movies, and a great friend waiting for me after all. As we walk out of the same door that was my barricade a few minutes earlier, I feel completely at ease. I was free.

WA 2 draft 1

I glance back at the door as I anxiously wait for the principal to tell all of us students simultaneously that school will dismiss early due to inclement weather. It’s the first snow fall of the season, and as I look out the few windows that our school has, I see that every thing is white. I can’t even see the grass anymore, a cold soft frozen blanket is cuddling close to the earth, and little round balls of clumped snow hangs off the tree branches like small white flowers. The sky is grey and seems unusually close to earth, and the wind is howling like an overly exaggerated whisper. I check the door again, willing it to open so I can run out and make a snow angel like I used to when I was little. Where was the damn announcement all ready? I look about the room and see all of my eager class mates as anxious as I am. I start rocking from side to side, letting the wobbly chair come with me; I tap my fingers on my desk and shake my feet nervously. As I let my mind wander, I start to wonder how I’m going to get home, usually I walk home, but there was no way I could make it up that huge hill today, and I start mentally noting which one of my older friends will be willing to drive me home in these conditions. My worries must have shown on my face, because all of a sudden I hear, “Carrrrroline, you okay?” the kid sitting next to me says. “Yeah I’m fine.” I say, I didn’t really want to talk; I just want to get the hell out of this classroom. The week seemed unbearably long, and I was ready for a break. I try to remember what the weather man said on the morning news; I really wanted the snow to continue through the night so we wouldn’t have school tomorrow either, and then the weekend could start. A four day weekend is exactly what I needed right now. I had test after test, quiz after quiz, and a boat load of homework this week, I just wanted to be done. The sound of the howling wind pulls me out of my stress filled thoughts, and at the same moment the lights from the ceiling flicker and I hear the class as a whole go oooooooh. I take my eraser cap off my pencil and roll it between my fingers just for something to do, and surprisingly, the cool softness on my fingertips sooth me a little. When I dropped the eraser, I dropped my patience with it. Every second was an hour. Then I see my friend across the room smiling at me comfortingly, some how saying; It’s okay, only a little while longer…RELAX. She knew how stressed I was this week, with all of my school work, and other obligations, and I suddenly felt guilty for making this moment much more stressful than it actually was. I smile back. Then breathe. Even though the past few minutes have been like watching the numbers on the little LCD screen at the gas station go up and up, this moment was kind of cool. I try to embrace the idea that I was in a classroom with way to many kids, and it practically dark out side. The teacher gave up long ago on trying to make us pay attention or her lesson plan, and I have friends all around me, all chatting to each other and sounding like a dull roar that was growing in anticipation. I laugh as I see a kid a few rows ahead of me almost fall out of his seat because he was bouncing up and down on his unstable desk chair. This was okay. I was okay. The lights flicker again, only this time I don’t silently scream at the other kids’ reaction, instead I giggle. As I meet the same friend’s gaze who gave me my relaxing smile, she points to my bulging pocket with her eyes; I pull out my cell phone and see that she sent me a text message. I don’t even bother to scan the room to see if my teacher is watching me, I think she gave up the rules and regulations of the classroom when she stopped teaching. I look at the little screen to see what she wrote; u wnt 2 cum 2 my house? Cocoa & movies mrathon? I smile to myself, thankful that she knows me so well. Suddenly I hear a loud, over powering voice coming from no where; it’s the principal, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. I can literally feel the stress and anxiety from this week fall from my chest. Before I get all of my belongings, the usually packed classroom only had a few lingering students. I look out the window one more time and see the beginnings of a snow ball fight, and laugh again. It didn’t take much for a bunch of teenagers to remember what is was like to be kids with worries in the world. I pull my eyes away from dozens of students laughing and having a ball, and shift them on my awaiting friend. I had hot cocoa, plentiful amount of movies, and a great friend waiting for me after all. As we walk out of the same door that was my barricade a few minutes earlier, I feel completely at ease. I was free.

WA 1 draft 3

I don’t know weather to look at it as loosing or gaining, is the glass half empty or full? This weekend my family, friends, and people we don’t even know attended my brothers wedding to both a girl and family I was not all together elated about. I find the bride’s parents annoying and at times rude and the bride over controlling, loud, and obnoxious. I didn’t know how to feel about the binding of these two families, and could feel my strands on the seem of my emotions stretching, ready to tear.

Growing up, my brother Brian and I were extremely close. I would be perfectly content just sitting on the couch with him all Saturday watching football games, even though I’ve never been that into the sport. The only thing that mattered was that I was spending the day with the person who could make me laugh even when I wanted to cry. Brian always had that sort of chemistry with people, happiness always seemed to be bursting out of his ears, and like a highly contagious disease, spread it to whoever was in his reach. He was my idle, my teddy bear, my big brother, my best friend. If I fell asleep on the couch at watching TV at night, he would carry me upstairs and put me in my bed. When I joined a basketball team for the first time, he would help me with my free throws, and defense, even though he was three times my size. When my other brother tore the head of off my WNBA Barbie, Brian would put it back on, and glue the neck just in case. When I wanted to learn how to dive, he was my coach. Sometimes I would even tag along on the dates he went on with his multiple high school girlfriends. I didn’t think about how the various girls would accept me, and I didn’t care. I remember being six years old and secretly hoping that his seventeen year old friends would be jealous of me because of the all answers I knew, to all the questions they asked. But Brian got older, and so did I. He went off to college, and I got friends of my own. And then he brought her home.

I didn’t mind her at first. However, slowly but surely, she showed her true colors that she wasn’t afraid to flaunt. At first my whole family was taken aback, but grungely got over that fact, and moved on knowing that my brother loved this girl, and we were all going to do what ever it took to support him. After a while, I started noticing a pattern, my brother was still the same loving, funny, guy he always had been…until they were together. It seemed that she had rubbed her personality on to him, and after a while, you could see the significant new characteristics that he had attained while in this relationship. Suddenly, he would get agitated with me if I asked him too many questions, and he didn't want me hanging around him every time he was near. He started having a cynical edge to him that we were all very well aware of, but didn't know how to react to the change because it was so very abnormal, and out of character. Even through all of this, and after seeing Jenni’s entire somewhat annoying demeanor, and changing the person who my brother was, I didn’t hate her. Sure it annoyed and pissed the hell out of me, but it was something that I couldn’t change, and wasn’t even worth trying to do so. They were both in love, and being together was the only thing that mattered in their eyes. After all it wasn’t like either of them went out of their way to be rude or imprudent, it was simply who they were now. And of course I didn’t hate my brother, not at all. I just hated who Brian was when he was with Jenni.
As I sat there at the wedding Saturday, watching my brother and his new bride have their first dance, I realized many things in one instant. One: My brother has grown up, and who am I to try to keep him from being with the one person that makes him most happy in life. Two: My brother is a completely different person than he was more than eight years ago. And even though I miss those Saturdays watching football games, playing basketball for hours on end, and him making me laugh so hard I cried, those personal changes he made are permanent, and irreversible. And finally three: as I watched my brother twirl the women in white around and around, and beaming with all the love in his body, I realized, I had no clue what he was thinking, hoping, dreaming. I had no clue who he was any more.

I used to.
I miss that.

WA 1 Draft 2

I don’t know weather to look at it as loosing or gaining, is the glass half empty or full? This weekend my family, friends, and people we don’t even know attended my brothers wedding to both a girl and family I was not all together elated about. I find the bride’s parents annoying, and at times rude and the bride over controlling, loud, and obnoxious. I didn’t know how to feel about the binding of these two families, and could feel my strands on the seems of my emotions stretching, ready to tear.

Growing up, my brother and I were extremely close. I would be perfectly content just sitting on the couch with him all Saturday watching football games, even though I’ve never been that into the sport, the thing that mattered was that I was spending the day with the person who could make me laugh even when I wanted to cry. Brian always had that sort of chemistry with people, happiness always seemed to be bursting out of his ears, and like a highly contagious disease, spread it to whoever was in his reach. He was my idle, my teddy bear, my big brother, my best friend. If I fell asleep on the couch at watching tv at night, he would carry me upstairs and put me in my bed. When I joined a basketball team, he would help me with my free throws, and defense, even though he was three times my size. When my other brother tore the head of off my WNBA Barbie, Brian would put it back on, and glue the neck just in case. When I wanted to learn how to dive, he was my coach. Sometimes I would even tag along on the dates he went on with his multiple high school girlfriends. I didn’t think about how the various girls would accept me, and I didn’t care. I remember being six years old and secretly hoping that his seventeen year old friends would be jealous of me because of the answers I knew, to all the questions they asked. But Brian got older, and so did I. He went off to college, and I got friends of my own. And then he brought her home.


I didn’t mind her at first. However, slowly but surely, she showed her true colors that she wasn’t afraid to flaunt. At first my whole family was taken aback, but grungely got over that fact, and moved on knowing that my brother loved this girl, and we were all going to do what ever it took to support him. After a while, I started noticing a pattern, my brother was still the same loving, funny, guy he always had been…until they were together. It seemed that she had rubbed her personality on to himself, and after a while, you could see the significant new characteristics that he had attained while in this relationship. Suddenly, he would get agitated with me if I asked him too many questions, and he didn't want me hanging around him every time he was near. He started having a cynical edge to him that we were all very well aware of, but didn't know how to react to the change because it was so very abnormal, and out of character. Even through all of this, and after seeing all of Jenni’s somewhat annoying demeanor, and changing the person who my brother was, I didn’t hate her. Sure it annoyed and pissed the hell out of me, but it was something that I couldn’t change, and wasn’t even worth trying to do so. They were both in love, and being together was the only thing that mattered in their eyes. After all it wasn’t like either of them went out of their way to be rude or imprudent, it was who they were now. And of course I didn’t hate my brother, not at all. I just hated who Brian was when he was with Jenni.

As I sat there at the wedding Saturday, watching my brother and his new bride have their first dance, I realized many things in one instant. One: My brother has grown up, and who am I to try to keep him from being with the one person that makes him most happy in life. Two: My brother is a completely different person than he was more than eight years ago. And even though I miss those Saturdays watching football games, playing basketball for hours on end, and him making me laugh so hard I cried, those personal changes he made are permanent, and irreversible. And finally three: as I watched my brother twirl the women in white around and around, and beaming with all the love in his body, I realized, I had no clue what he was thinking, hoping, dreaming. I had no clue who he was any more.

I used to.
I miss that

Lack there of 9/14/08

I don’t know weather to look at it as loosing or gaining, is the glass half empty or full? This weekend my family, friends, and people we don’t even know attended my brothers wedding to both a girl and family I was not all together elated about. I find the bride’s parents annoying, and at times rude and the bride over controlling, loud, and obnoxious. I didn’t know how to feel about the binding of these two families, and could feel my strands on the seems of my emotions stretching, ready to tear.

Growing up, my brother and I were extremely close. I would be perfectly content just sitting on the couch with him all Saturday watching football games, even though I’ve never been that into the sport, the thing that mattered was that I was spending the day with the person who could make me laugh even when I wanted to cry. Brian always had that sort of reaction on people, happiness always seemed to be bursting out of his ears, and like a highly contagious disease, spread it to whoever was in his reach. He was my idle, my teddy bear, my big brother, my best friend. If I fell asleep on the couch at watching tv at night, he would carry me upstairs and put me in my bed. When I joined a basketball team, he would help me with my free throws, and defense, even though he was three times my size. When my other brother tore the head of off my WNBA Barbie, Brian would put it back on, and glue the neck just in case. When I wanted to learn how to dive, he was my coach. Sometimes I would even tag along on the dates he went on with his multiple high school girlfriends. I didn’t think about how the various girls would accept me, and I didn’t care. I remember being six years old and secretly hoping that his seventeen year old friends would be jealous of me because of the answers I knew, to all the questions they asked. But Brian got older, and so did I. He went off to college, and I got friends of my own. And then he brought her home.


I didn’t mind her at first. However, slowly but surely, she showed her true colors that she wasn’t afraid to flaunt. At first my whole family was taken aback, but grungely got over that fact, and moved on knowing that my brother loved this girl, and we were all going to do what ever it took to support him. After a while, I started noticing a pattern, my brother was still the same loving, funny, guy he always had been…until they were together. It seemed that she had rubbed her personality on to himself, and after a while, you could see the significant new characteristics that he had attained while in this relationship. Even through all of this, and after seeing all of Jenni’s somewhat annoying demeanor, and changing the person who my brother was, I didn’t hate her. Sure it annoyed and pissed the hell out of me, but it was something that I couldn’t change, and wasn’t even worth trying to do so. They were both in love, and being together was the only thing that mattered in their eyes. After all it wasn’t like either of them went out of their way to be rude or impudent, it was who they were now. And of course I didn’t hate my brother, not at all. I just hated who Brian was when he was with Jenni.

As I sat there at the wedding Saturday, watching my brother and his new bride have their first dance, I realized many things in one instant. One: My brother has grown up, and who am I to try to keep him from being with the one person that makes him most happy in life. Two: My brother is a completely different person than he was more than eight years ago. And even though I miss those Saturdays watching football games, playing basketball for hours on end, and him making me laugh so hard I cried, those personal changes he made are permanent, and irreversible. And finally three: as I watched my brother twirl the women in white around and around, and beaming with all the love in his body, I realized, I had no clue what he was thinking, hoping, dreaming. I had no clue who he was any more.

I used to.
I miss that.